Firsts Are Always Messy Bonus Chapter 5

I’m six days late.

I’m never late.

My cycle is like clockwork. Every 28 days. Never missed a period in my life.

I stand up from the toilet, pull my underwear and pajama pants up my legs.

Hopeless.

I feel really hopeless.

This is the first time I’ve wished my mom was around, that we had the kind of relationship where I could go to her about this type of…situation.

After school.

I’ll buy a pregnancy test after school.

Right now, I’m just going to focus on the next five minutes. That’s how I’ll get through the day without breaking down.

Five minutes at a time.

I’ll start with a shower.

Shampoo. Rinse. Conditioner. Shave. Rinse again. Body scrub. Brush my teeth. Yes, in the shower. I’m one of those people.

Five more minutes.

Hair. Blow-dry. Straighten. Make-up. No mascara. I might cry today.

The next five minutes.

Breakfast, grab my clothes from the dryer. Get dressed.

And so my day goes…

Eventually, I get to the five minutes I’ve been dreading all day. The five minutes where I walk into the cafeteria, watch as Matt flirts with Jenny and I’m maybe, probably, most likely pregnant with his child.

I don’t know what to do.

Do I keep it? Give it up for adoption? I don’t think I could…no, I can’t go there. Not until I know for sure.

I grab an orange lunch tray and keep my head down, scan the food items. I really want a piece of pizza. Been months since I fudged on my diet and had something I really wanted.

Instead, I pick up a salad and a bottle of water.

Gotta keep up the image that I have it all together. That life is good. That I’m fine. That I’m not falling to pieces beneath this lie.

I sit between Amanda and Beth, try to focus on anything other than what’s happening at their table. Matt and Jenny’s. I open the container, feel a wave of nausea hit me. I close the container. I can’t eat. What’s the point in eating? I can’t stomach anything right now.

I’m too busy wondering, is my life over?

That’s when I hear it, Jenny’s laugh. A piercing reminder that he loves someone else.

I don’t know why I do it, but I look up, peek in their direction. He’s sitting right next to her, looking at her like she hung all the damn stars in the sky. I can’t say I blame him; Jenny has that girl-next-door look. She’s effortlessly pretty without even realizing it. Straight blond hair, innocent blue eyes, tall, thin, athletic.

Matt leans towards her, whispers something in her ear. She throws her head back and laughs.

My heart aches in my chest.

She’s so free. She doesn’t hold back how she feels. Doesn’t have to hide. She gets to be…Jenny. And that look on his face. The one that says he would do anything to make her laugh. He never looks at me that way.

His hand brushes against her thigh as she shows him something on her phone. She doesn’t notice the gesture, has no idea how in tune with her body he is.

I should be jealous. I should hate her.

But the truth is, I’m sad for her. I know how she feels about him. How they feel about each other. Everyone knows. They all think Matt and Jenny will end up together. I think they will, too.

My hand instinctively goes to my stomach. But what if…what if there’s a chance he chooses me?

It’s stupid, I know it is. I’ve always loved him, too. I’ve been to every basketball game, almost every practice. I can’t take my eyes off of him when he enters a room. He’s so handsome and funny and talented and smart. He’s nice, too. He’s not like the other guys we go to school with. He holds the door open for people, he says ‘hello’ to everyone, will partner up with you if you ask in class.

Will he…

Will he be kind to me, too? When he finds out? If I’m really pregnant?

I shouldn’t have slept with him. I knew better. But he was laying there, his hands all over me and I could barely think straight. I was lonely and he was sad. It seemed like a good way to get our minds off everything…

What am I saying?

It was a terrible idea.

Amanda elbows me in the arm, “Stop staring.”

I inconspicuously wipe the tears from my eyes before I refocus on my lunch, wondering if my future will be forever tied to his.

—

I drove two towns over, parked in a convenience store parking lot and walked inside. I grabbed the most expensive test and walked up to the front counter. The cashier rang it up, gave me a small smile and then handed the plastic bag over to me.

Now, I’m standing in my bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror. I need to do it.

I take a deep breath and open the pregnancy test. I read through the directions a few times, my fingers shaking as I try to calm my nerves.

It says I need to pee on the tip of the stick, wait two minutes, and then some words will appear on the little screen. I do it all, set the pregnancy test aside, sit on the edge of the tub, my heart pounding in my chest.

I thought waiting would be the hard part. It’s not the waiting that’s hard though. It’s the waiting alone that’s torturous. I’m all alone. My parents are gone. Matt’s probably with Jenny. And my friends aren’t people I trust enough to share this secret with.

I wrap my arms around myself as a few tears fall. I should call my mom, but what’s the point? Even if she’s not disappointed, she won’t come home. She’ll tell me to deal with this on my own. Like she always does. 

My phone beeps. The two minutes are up. Huh. Thought it would have taken longer.

I stand on shaky legs and walk over to the bathroom sink.

There, in solid blue lettering, is the word pregnant.

I’m pregnant.

I’m pregnant with Matt’s baby.

—

I wait by his locker, hoping he comes in alone. He drives Jenny to school every morning. Takes her home every afternoon. Butt, today, I really need him to show up alone.

He doesn’t.

They’re talking, lost in their own world, as I turn and leave. He doesn’t notice me, too wrapped up in whatever Jenny’s saying.

Maybe I’ll tell him tomorrow.

If I can work up the nerve.

—

Between classes, I catch him walking alone.

“Hey,” I say as I step in front of him, blocking his path.

He runs his hand through his hair, swallows nervously. He regrets what we did. I know he does. I can see it all over his face.

“Hey Audra.”

“So, I was wondering if we could talk? After school?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “Listen, I don’t think we should go to Prom together anymore.”

I feel my heart slipping down my rib cage, landing with a resounding clunk in my stomach. “What? Why not?”

“I…” but he trails off. His eyes light up when they land on something–or someone–behind me. “I don’t think I want to go now.”

“But you asked me,” I remind him. “You already bought the tickets.” Don’t do this Matt. Don’t pull away from me when I need you the most.

“I know,” he exhales.

“One of the things I like about you is that you always follow through with your promises,” I say without thinking. “No one else in my life does. Please don’t break this promise you made me.”

He peers down at me, his eyes hardening. “I don’t know.”

I reach my hand out and touch his arm. He recoils and I almost burst into tears in front of him. “Can we just go and have a good time? I promise you I won’t bother you after the dance. I’d just really like to spend some time with you.” Before you run home to Jenny.

I watch his nostrils flare. “Fine.”

He’s going to hate me for ruining his life, but I need one more night with him. One more night beside him before I know he throws me aside, abandons me and our child. I know he will. He’d do anything for Jenny.

And if she asks him to, he’ll walk away from both of us.