Firsts Are Always Messy Bonus Chapter 6

I feel guilty. Like the time I told my parents I didn’t back Mom’s new car into the mailbox. They believed me, miraculously. With Kyle at college, it was kind of a no-brainer that I was the one responsible for the massive dent in her rear bumper. They swept it under the rug, though. Made up some excuse about Mom probably backing into something while she was in Denver and not noticing.

I hate that most about my parents. They never solve anything. They don’t talk things through, avoid confrontation. It’s excuse after excuse after excuse. Always has been. Always will be.

I take another bite of pizza, do my best not to glance over at Jen in a fucking long-sleeve shirt in the middle of summer. I have no idea how she could possibly be cold, but I notice the little things. The stiffness in her shoulders. The way she picks at the crust on her pizza, but refuses to eat. Her sad eyes.

She keeps avoiding me. Avoiding everyone. Except for fucking Kyle.

I didn’t miss the small smile she gave him when he plopped down next to her. Fucking prick.

I think she’s mad at me.

She’s mad I slept with Audra at the beach house and, because I’m such a fucking idiot, I ran my mouth on the plane while arguing with her about her stupid boy toy, Tim. Or was it Tazer? Does it really matter?

I can’t have them both.

I have to choose.

How can I not choose the girl currently pregnant with my child? I can’t abandon her because I want someone else…

I’m tired of lying to everyone. About how she told me she was on birth control and we didn’t need a condom. I keep taking the blame because I knew better. I knew better than to trust her.

But she was standing naked in front of me and I…I should have turned her down. I should have got in my fucking Jeep to sleep off the alcohol, driven home early the next morning and told Jen I wanted her.

Wanting Jen is different than wanting Audra.

I like Audra’s body, but it’s Jen’s soul I crave. God, that makes me sound like a fucking pussy.

I want what’s best for Jen, what’s right for her. I wanted–want–that to be me. But I knew I was leaving her behind when I go to California in the fall and I didn’t want her to waste four years of her life waiting for me.

I knew she would.

How could I ask her to wait for something that long? And it be fair to her?

I think I’ve always known how she’s felt about me. I can–could–see it in her eyes every time she looked in my direction. The softness around her eyes, the rosy pink color that prickled her cheeks. I’ve always felt the same way.

I thought we had all the time in the world.

I was wrong. As usual.

We all shuffle into the living room. Dad mentioned something about having a family discussion about…hmm…something. Wasn’t paying attention because I’ve fucked my life up seven ways to Sunday and I was trying to figure out why I shoved my dick in someone while thinking about someone else.

My eyes flick to Jen.

I broke her heart in my car. She took her sweater off. Then her bra. She let me touch her and feel her and be close to her.

I felt guilty.

Guilty that I had asked Audra to Prom. It was stupid. Audra had been standing there, begging me to take her.

I caved.

Caved because I saw Jen talking to dipshit Parker over Audra’s shoulder. The fucking drama club president. I was certain he was asking her to Prom by the way she nodded her head and laughed. She has the best laugh. She never holds back. Just throws her head back and lets loose. It’s the best sound in the world.

In my world.

“What’s this about, Lainey?” I hear Mom say beside me.

Lainey raises her eyebrows. “We’re worried about you, Diane. You’re doing things that are just not…you.”

Mom leans forward, glares over at Jen. “I’m perfectly fine.”

Huh. That’s weird.

Why does everyone keep saying something’s wrong? Kyle. Dad. Now Lainey.

“Mom,” Kyle calls from across the room.

“I’m fine,” Mom shakes her head. I can tell she’s getting agitated by the way her jaw ticks. “So what? I forgot that Kyle’s in Boulder. I have a lot on my plate right now. You can ask, Randy.”

What the fuck. How could she forget where he is?

“What do you mean you forgot he was in Boulder?” I ask. “He’s lived there for the last three years. That’s be like me forgetting I drive a yellow Jeep.”

Fuuuuckkk.

Dad reaches for Mom’s hand. Here we go again. Let’s just sweep it all under the rug.

“Diane, we need to get you some help, honey.” Holy. Shit. What did he just say? “You’ve been doing things that are out of character for you lately.”

Mom rips her hand from Dad, pushes herself off the couch to stand. “Lainey, is this about her arm. I didn’t mean to hurt her.” I look over at Jen, watch as she subconsciously pulls the hem of her long-sleeve shirt further down her wrist. Fuck me. What the fuck did Mom do to her? “She’s using him and he has too much at stake to be taken advantage of. I wanted to make sure she knows I’m on to her.”

O.K. I’ve obviously missed something.

“She has a bruise on her arm,” Lainey grimaces. “Your handprint, more specifically.”

I feel my forehead furrow as I shake my head. No…she didnt. She wouldn’t…

“They were having sex in the hot tub,” Mom panics.

What the–

“That doesn’t give you a right to hurt her,” Lainey responds.

“What would you have done?” Mom pulls at her hair, starts to pace in front of me.

I…I don’t understand what’s going on. Someone was having sex in a hot tub? Then Mom hurt Jen over it?

“Who was?” I stand up, thoroughly confused. “What was having sex in the hot tub?”

Everything goes silent. Kyle won’t look at me. Dad’s looking at the carpet. Mom’s still pacing like a fucking psycho.

“Kyle and I were,” I hear as my gaze lands on Jen’s guilty face.

I didn’t just hear that right, did I? Did she just say…

Fuck.

That’s why she smiled at him when he sat down next to her.

Before I say something I know I’ll regret, I head towards the door, stumbling to get through it. Running from the truth.

Everything starts to get blurry as I slam the door shut behind me, my stomach turning.

Kyle and Jen.

Jen and Kyle.

Having sex.

Why are they having sex?

Why is Jen having sex?

This is all my fault.

Kyle stuck his fucking dick in the girl I’ve loved practically my whole fucking life.

When I reach her truck in the driveway, I don’t even bother holding back the bile in my throat as I unload the four slices of pizza I just devoured.

I hear her footsteps, light and unsteady, as I lean against her truck. I stand up, my head feels woozy and my heart is ripping to fucking shreds in my chest.

“Stay away from me, Jen,” I tell her. She doesn’t listen and takes a step forward. “I’m serious right now. I can’t even look at you.”

Her face falls. Her delicate, beautiful face. The one that’s gotten me through almost every bad fucking day I’ve ever had. Her eyes, blue like the crystal clear lake I’ve spent summers swimming with her in, fill with unshed tears.

“Fuck!” I yell.

I want to punch something. Hurt someone. I want someone to feel the agony flooding my body. Everything, fucking everything, feels weak and tired.

“P-please,” she chokes out. “Let me explain.”

“How long?” I don’t want to know, but I need to know. “How long have you been fucking my brother?” Behind my back.

Her eyes shift toward the concrete driveway as she brings her arms up to her chest.

Fuck. I can tell it’s serious by the way she’s trying to protect herself.

From me.

“Since Spring Break.”

I don’t even bother hiding the fury pumping through my system. My fist finds her truck and I start barreling both hands into it. All I can see is red.

I don’t get it. I thought…

“I thought you loved me?” I ask, broken, defeated, wounded. Everything feels broken. And it’s because I didn’t tell her how much I love her the moment I knew almost eight years ago, the first time she blocked my shot while playing basketball.

“I do,” she says, her voice small. “I do love you, Matt. You’re my best friend.”

Best friend.

No, she doesn’t get the easy way out. Not after she’s played the victim with me while letting Kyle have every physical part of her.

“I kissed you,” I remind her. “I told you I love you and I asked you on a date. Why did you let me do those things?”

Why, Jen. Why?

“It wasn’t serious then,” she starts to explain. “We just–“

“You were just using him?” I spit at her.

“Maybe the first time, but not anymore. I’m in love with him, Matt.”

“You could have chosen someone else. Anyone else.” She could have. She should have. Anyone but the guy who shares the same fucking DNA as me.

“I didn’t choose him. He chose me.”

I’m fucking sure he did. Because you’re naïve. And, apparently, desperate.

I feel the air being sucked out of my lungs when I register the words she’s just confessed. She’s in love with him? She doesn’t even know him! He’s probably just using her to fuck with me. Kyle’s been MIA for a long time. He checked out five years ago when I needed him the most.

“My dickhead brother doesn’t love anyone except for himself. There’s no way he loves you, Jen. He’s just going to hurt you.”

“You’re wrong,” she argues.

“I expect this kind of shit from my brother,” I tell her. “But I never expected my best friend to fuck me over like this.”

“That’s not fair,” she cries. Big, crocodile sized-tears.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I say a little louder than I mean to. “Why did you hide it? For over three months!”

“There was never a good time to tell you. Audra was pregnant.” Thanks for throwing that shit in my face. “I didn’t want to add anything else to your plate. You were so stressed.”

I lick my dry lips. “So, you were punishing me then? For not choosing you? Well, guess what? I did choose you and you were screwing my brother behind my back the whole time. My heart has always been yours and you just stabbed a fucking knife through it.” As the words leave my mouth, I realize they’re true.

My heart, no matter what she does to it, no matter how many girls try to win it, will always be hers.

“How was I supposed to know that? You broke my heart and told me you didn’t want me.”

I was trying to do the right thing. Which just keeps blowing up in my face.

“You’re right,” I concede. “I have no one to blame, but myself. I forced you to have sex with my brother because I was confused about what I wanted.” For you. For us. Cause we’re 18, barely adults, not even old enough to know what we really want in life yet.

Except I know. I know that I’ve always–will always–want her.

“That’s not what I meant, I just–“

But I push off her truck and stalk towards her, cutting her off. The warm summer breeze blows through the pines and collects a few stray strands of her blond hair. My heart aches, fucking burns, knowing that I’ve lost her.

I bend down, inhale the citrusy-scent of her shampoo. Take one last feel of her silky cheek against mine before I regretfully let anger and devastation and fury leak from my lips. “I hope he rips your heart from your chest and tramples it beneath his entitled, fucked-up feet until you can’t breathe. And when he leaves you all used-up, a shadow of who you used to be, I won’t be around to wipe your goddamn tears.” I look up, see Kyle slowly making his way towards us. My chest squeezes with agony, betrayal. “You’re dead to me now, Jen.”

I don’t even bother looking at her face before leaving her with the truth of what I am.

A fucking coward who doesn’t know how to do anything other than disappoint her.

As I walk away, into the shelter of the pine trees, I realize it’s not anger I’m feeling.

It’s grief.