Firsts Are Always Messy Bonus Chapter 7

She hasn’t answered any of my phone calls. Or text messages. I’m worried and I don’t usually worry about her. Jenny can take care of herself.

I’m being clingy. I know I am. Needy and clingy, two things I promised myself I wouldn’t be with her. But I am anyway. Because I’m in love with her.

And the thought that she could be hurt is killing me.

I dial Lainey’s number. It goes straight to voicemail.

I could call Matt. I know he probably saw her. But asking him for a favor right now seems…douchey.

We haven’t talked. Haven’t acknowledged that we’re both in love with the same girl. I don’t know if I should…no. If he had a problem with it, he would tell me.

I grab my keys off the table and lock up the apartment. I’m just going to drive home. At this point, hearing her voice won’t be enough.

I need to see her.

The drive is long and it’s dark. I hate this drive. I’ve always hated it. Except I hate it now because she’s still not answering my phone calls and text messages and I’m starting to freak out.

I call Matt. He doesn’t answer either.

Would it look too desperate if I tried to find Audra on Facebook and message her? Yeah, definitely desperate.

Only thirty minutes left.

Twenty-two.

Ten.

Three.

I park my car in the driveway and rush up the front porch steps of the Kearns’ house. I grab the doorknob, find it turns open easily. They never lock their doors.

Quietly, I sprint up the stairs, race into Jenny’s room.

I feel a relieved breath leave me as I take her in, sleeping on her side, the moonlight bathing her face in a milky glow. I’m too tired to do anything other than crawl into bed with her and wrap my arms around her knowing she’s safe.

She’s safe.

She’s safe.

She’s safe.

—

I wake up to an elbow in my stomach, open my eyes, take her in. She sits up so fast, I might get whiplash.

She looks at me like she can’t believe I’m laying next to her. Like this might be a dream. Maybe a nightmare.

Before I can reach for her, tell her ‘good morning’, kiss her, she lets out a sob. Her whole body sags and shakes and vibrates as I watch her, terrified.

I don’t know why she’s crying, but I pull myself up, reach for her.

Her hand stops me as she shakes her head, tears dripping down her face like raindrops falling down a foggy glass window.

There’s this sinking feeling in my gut. Something happened and I’m pretty sure I know with whom. I think I saw this coming. I know I was the one stupid enough to start something with her knowing she never really got over him. How could she? Did she have a choice? Had Matt not knocked up Audra, would she still be mine?

That’s a resounding no.

“Fuck, Jenny, just let me hold you for a second,” I tell her. Before you leave me…

My arms reach for her again, but she’s too fast and backs into the wall behind her. I let out a deflated breath and reach for her again. She doesn’t get to hide from me. Doesn’t get to hide from what she’s done. I spent too many years living in a house with two people who avoided their issues like their lives depended on it. It won’t get us anywhere. We need to talk about it.

I pull her against my chest, mentally curse myself for stripping by her bed and getting into it naked. Habit. It’s just a habit. I like being naked with her. I like waking up to her skin stuck to mine.

She sobs again. And again. And again.

She’s hurting. What I don’t know is if she’s hurting because that fuckface did something else to break her heart or if she’s hurting because she’s telling me this is over.

Is it over?

Fuck.

Don’t go there.

Not yet.

I hold her for a while hoping she realizes I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to run from her. I want her. I need her. I don’t care what she’s done; nothing is unforgivable when it comes to her.

“Wh-what are you d-doing here?” she chokes out.

I run a nervous hand through her hair. God, I’m going to sound like such a pussy. “You didn’t call me and your phone went straight to voicemail. I tried calling your mom, but she didn’t answer either. I was worried so I drove in the middle of the night to check on you.”

Her ocean blue eyes soften, melt, clear. We need to t-talk,” she hiccups.

That’s a good sign. She’s not trying to hide anything.

Wait, maybe that’s a bad sign.

No, I’m not going to jump to conclusions.

I don’t want to with her.

“What’s wrong?”

“I kissed Matt,” rushes from her lips.

That was expected. I think. I just need to stay…calm. Just let her explain. Because if I react badly, I don’t know if she’ll want to tell me things in the future.

Fuck.

Do we even have a future at this point?

“Why?” I ask, my voice steady.

“What?” She seems taken aback.

“Why did you kiss him?” I rephrase.

The tears start falling from her eyes faster than before. She doesn’t realize it, but her hands are reaching for me, tugging at me, begging me to give her what she needs: understanding.

Except I don’t really want to be understanding right now. I want to punch that piece of shit in the face.

“I didn’t mean to,” she starts explaining. Her breathing evens out and her hand finds mine. “Watching your mom sleep the afternoon away was really sad. Then, Matt told me he’s not going to UCLA because he wants to take care of your mom. And he listens to your dad cry all night long. I hugged him because I was upset and when he bent down to kiss me, I let him.”

I look down at the purple flowers on her bed sheets, try to wrap my mind around what she’s saying. I pretty much only hear that Matt’s sad and she was trying to comfort him.

The problem is that Jenny is sensitive and compassionate. She won’t hesitate to remedy the situation with kindness. Like when she bought Audra hot chocolate and let her stay the night so she didn’t have to go home to an empty house alone. Fuck. That’s why I love her so much. She doesn’t think about the consequences, about whether or not she’s supposed to do it, she just does it. She just gives herself away, to whoever needs a piece of her.

“It wasn’t a kiss-kiss,” she cries. “But it doesn’t really matter because I shouldn’t have let it happen. Right after, I told him it could never happen again and then I left. I’m so sorry I didn’t call you last night and tell you ” She’s panicking now. “I should have come home, but I just came here and cried some more before I fell asleep. I never meant to make you worry or for you to drive all this way.”

I run a tired hand over my face. She was upset. Probably beat herself up over it.

“Are you mad?” Her voice is quiet, scared.

I don’t ever want her to be afraid of me. But I also need to be honest about how I’m feeling if I expect her to be honest with me.

“Yes, Jenny, I’m fucking pissed right now.” At this whole fucking situation.

“I love you,” she starts to cry again. “I love you and I didn’t protect your heart. I didn’t respect our relationship. I…I wish I had some elaborate speech planned that could tell you exactly why I fucked up so badly, but I don’t. I’m a screw up who makes bad decisions and hurts everyone I love.”

“Why do you always do that?” I ask her, trying not to sound harsh.

She always puts herself down. Always beats herself up. Always sees the worst in herself and it almost breaks my heart.

“I ruin everything,” she whispers as she pulls her hand out of mine.

I reach for her hand again, intertwine our fingers. I peer down at our clasped body parts, try to think about what she really needs to hear from me right now.

She kissed Matt.

Mostly to comfort him, but I think some depraved, sick part of her did it to sabotage what we have. Because she doesn’t think she deserves to be loved by me.

I won’t let her ruin what we have, though. I won’t let her walk away and I certainly won’t walk away from her.

“I love you so much Kyle,” she sobs. “I understand if you don’t want to be together anymore.”

My head snaps up. “I never said that.” I would never say that.

“You don’t have to. Why would you stay with me after what I’ve done?”

She really doesn’t see herself the way I do. “You think I’m going to break up with you because you let Matt kiss you?”

She nods her head, resigned, defeated. “Why would you stay with me?”

“For so many reasons,” I reply. “You spend your Saturdays sitting in a stuffy room with my mom while she sleeps the whole time. You befriended Audra when you didn’t have to. You gave her a place to stay when she was lonely. You’re the first person I’ve ever trusted enough to open up to about my mom. And when Matt was sad, you comforted him even after all the shit he said to you. You care about people, Jenny. Where you see the worst in yourself, I only see the best.”

“But Mom said,” she tries arguing.

“No,” I interject. “I don’t care what your mom said. I love you and nothing you or your mom can say is going to change that.”

She uses her free hand not currently wrapped up in mine to wipe the tears off her face. “You said you were mad.”

“I am,” I clear my throat. “I want to bash Matt’s face in.”

She chuckles. “Don’t do that. He’s just sad. Like me. Like my mom. Like everyone is.”

“I need to know. Do you still have feelings for Matt?”

She seems to mull it over, give it some thought. “I don’t have romantic feelings for him, but I can’t erase eight years of friendship overnight.”

“I don’t expect you to,” I honestly tell her. “I think for the time being, it’s best if you’re not alone in a room with him.” Because if he fucking touches you again, I might murder him.

“I agree,” she sighs.

“And that’s why I’ll be coming home with you every Saturday,” I give in.

Because she’s my home.

And if she wants to be here, then I’ll be here with her.

She wraps her arms around my neck. “I will do everything I can to prove to you that I am so incredibly sorry for what I did.”

I raise my hand, cup her cheek with it. “You don’t have to prove anything to me. The fact that you told me about it right away proves how serious you are about us. You don’t have to earn my love, Jenny. It’s already yours.”

It’s always been yours.

And it always will be.