Firsts Are Always Messy Bonus Chapter 8

I’m an asshole. I know I am.

Watching her run down the hallway, her purple dress trailing her behind, her heels echoing in tandem with my heartbeat, I know I hurt her feelings.

But I had to.

Because I’m an asshole.

I was fine with her being here. Especially after our talk at the church. When I told her what Kyle needed. I know he needs her. It’s written all over his face every time he looks at her. I don’t know how I missed it all these years. The way he teased her relentlessly. The way he always came home and ran next door the second he could. The way he gives her all the things that I can’t, but wish I could.

Because I can’t give them to her.

I can’t give her my heart right now. Not when Audra needs me. And my daughter needs me. I created a family, regardless of how it happened, they’re my family now. Now that Mom is…

Nope. I can’t go there right now. I’ll deal with that later.

I can’t give her a home. If it wasn’t for Dad, I wouldn’t even be able to give Audra or the baby a roof over their heads.

I can’t give her a car. I can barely afford gas in the Jeep. And what if I need to buy formula? On top of those organic, natural shit diapers Audra claims we have to use. They’re twice as expensive as Huggies. But because it’s what she wants, I’m going to find a way to pay for them.

I was fine. I was fine until Audra asked her to be her maid of honor. How can I…how can I stand there and promise Audra I’ll be a good husband to her when Jen will be right beside her? When she’s the one I really want to be with?

Man the fuck up. That’s how.

I made a choice. I proposed to Audra. I chose her. I’m…trying to choose her. I’m trying to build a life with her. For our daughter. For her. I don’t think we’ll have a bad marriage. I think if we can get away from this mountain, we’ll have a real shot.

But being here, with Jen, makes everything harder.

It hurts. It hurts to breathe when she’s close by. It hurts to think she’s happy with him. It hurts knowing she shares a bed with him.

It’s my fault. I know it is. I’m not dumb. I know I pushed her away. I know I screwed up.

What’s that fucking saying? If you love something, set it free? If it comes back, it’s yours. Or some shit like that. That’s what I was trying to do. Trying to set her free. Let her figure out if I was what she really wanted.

It’s a stupid idea.

If you love something, suffocate it, hold onto it, don’t let it go no matter how hard it tries to slip through your hands.

That’s how the saying should really go.

I hear footsteps and look up.

“Hey fuckface,” Kyle seethes down at me. “What the fuck is your problem?”

I exhale. “Not in the mood.”

“Not in the mood for what? You told Jenny you don’t want her here?”

“Yeah, I did.” There’s no point in denying it.

“Why?”

I run my hands through my hair. “You know why.”

Kyle slides down the wall, sits beside me in the same place Jen was not even ten minutes earlier. He wraps his arm around me, the way he used to when Mom and Dad would fight and we’d hide in the hall closet. He hasn’t done that since we moved here.

“We should…” he trails off.

“Should what?” I shrug.

He removes his arm, props both of them up on his knees. “We should talk about her.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I tell him. “She’s with you. I’m marrying Audra.”

“Is that really what you want?”

I shake my head. “I want to give my daughter a good life. That’s what I want. If that means marrying Audra and trying to make her happy every fucking day of my life, then that’s what I’m going to do. I’m not going to cheat on her. I’m not going to hit her. I’m not going to hurt her the way Mom and Dad hurt each other. I’m going to give my daughter the life she deserves. The one I wanted.”

Kyle exhales heavily. “You don’t have to marry Audra to do that.”

My head starts to pound. I rub my hand over my forehead. “Don’t do this Kyle. Don’t tell me I have a choice. We both know I don’t. Not when what I really want sleeps in your bed every night.”

I look over at him, see the guilt on his face. I wish he didn’t feel guilty. My brother may be fucked up like I am, but I know he treats her well. I know he really loves her. Maybe more than I do. “I’m not mad at you. If anything, I’m mad at myself.”

“I love her,” Kyle says quietly. “I’ve loved her from the first moment I saw her.”

Yeah, I know the feeling.

“I’m marrying Audra and I’d really like it if you’d be my best man,” I decide. A peace offering. I’ve already lost Jen and my mom; I can’t lose my brother, too.

He nods his head.

“I better get in there,” I motion towards the door.

Kyle stands, offers me his hand, pulls me up. “You’re going to be a good dad.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

He shoves his hands into his pockets. “Sure.”

“If you loved her for all those years, why didn’t you say anything?”

He chews on the inside of his cheek. “Because you loved her. And I wanted you to be happy.”

Fucking Kyle. Always so goddamn good. “Take care of her.”

He gives me a small smile. “I will.”

When I walk into the room, see Audra’s sleeping face, I stride over and kiss her forehead.

California will be good for us.

Maybe I’m running. Maybe I’m being a coward.

But honestly, I’m just trying to be a good father.

I want to be a good father.

—

I almost pass out from how disgusting everything looks down there. What in the actual fuck? It didn’t look like that when I was…nevermind.

“You ready, Dad?” the doctor asks me.

No, definitely not ready. But is anyone?

“Are you going to cut the cord?” she asks beneath a light blue face mask.

I nod my head.

I see the tip of her head first, covered in something white and pasty. And did I mention disgusting? I try not to throw up as I anxiously wait.

Audra reaches out a hand, grabs mine.

“Push, momma,” the doctor tells her.

She gives it everything she’s got. Her face is sweaty and exhausted. But she hasn’t complained once. Hasn’t yelled at me. Hasn’t yelled at anyone. She’s been silently strong. That’s the best way to describe Audra. Strong. A quiet strength I didn’t really know I needed. Not until now.

“You’re doing so good,” I tell her.

I watch her eyes flick to mine. She’s smiling at me. Smiling through the pain. I don’t know why, but I lean forward, press my lips to hers. When I pull back, she’s glowing.

“We’re almost there,” the doctor announces. “One last, big push.”

Her face scrunches as she grips my hand in hers. I look down, watch as my daughter enters the world.

I feel it. The burst of joy and happiness and love explode in my chest.

She has chubby cheeks and perfect lips.

My daughter.

They hand her to Audra and I watch as she cries, “She’s perfect.”

Yes, she is.

“Can we…” I hesitate for a moment. “Can we name her after my mom?”

Audra’s grey eyes are full of tears as she looks up at me. “Of course.”

“I was thinking Diane could be her middle name,” I suggest. “And whatever you’d like for the first name.”

She reaches out her hand, grabs mine. “Ava.”

“Ava Diane,” I laugh. “I like it.”

“Ava Diane Thompson,” she smiles down at our daughter.

I run my hand over her sweaty head, wanting to comfort her, give her what she needs. “You did so good.”

“I love you, Matt,” she says for the first time.

She loves me.

I know I don’t love her the way she deserves, but I’m trying. “I love you, too, Audra.”

I stare down at my family. At the two girls that are now mine.

This isn’t how I planned my life going at 18, but maybe that’s what makes it worth living. The unexpected moments of pure bliss when we don’t deserve them.

But we’re given them anyway.